Pacifist Rant

I’ve been working hard to cultivate a new mind. I’m training my heart to find better ways than hatred and fear when faced with imminent threats. I am far from accomplished, but I am working. My focus has been primarily on the teachings of Jesus, but also Gandhi, Marshall Rosenberg, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Mother Theresa. I work every day to be as authentic as I can about my own inner triggers, and find peace by working to cultivate empathy and compassion. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” -Romans. Some people see this as the path of weakness. But I believe that, “The weapons we (peacemakers) fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” 2 Cor 10:4

Today, something triggered my fears and hatred. Nothing new, but just a fresh reminder of the world I live in and the vigor with which we cling to violence as a strategy for safety. I see nothing but an outpouring of evil upon evil when violence is used in the name of good, and inside, I RAGE at the hypocrisy I see in using violence to end violence. But my rage is the root of violence in my own heart, and I try try try to calm myself. I try to root out my own hatred. The world is violent because we are violent. We are violent because we fear and we hate. I fear. I hate. I am no better. What can I do? Who am I to say I know of a better way, especially when that way is so HARD to take that I can’t seem to get there in my INNER life, let alone the outer one.

Hard to take or not, I remind myself that I want to be ruled by compassion and mercy, not by fear and hatred. Compassion is a much better master than fear. I know this. So what do I choose to do in the face of evil? I am so nearly overwhelmed by it that I want to fight. I want to scream. I want to hide and I want to cut off everything and everyone ‘bad’. But, I am not overwhelmed, yet. Not today. I say this with tears forming, because I can’t say anything definite about tomorrow, only that I want to be a person who lives in peace, and if that peace does not depend on me, then I want to die having been peaceful to the end. And, yes, I want my children to live, but not in violence, not in hatred, not in fear. Just feeling the feelings I’ve had today was awful - a life like that would be very, very dark.

No, I don’t want to repay evil for evil. I do not want to take part in killing, in war, in hatred or in fear. That, I believe, is the path of spiritual death. Hatred itself, Jesus taught, is the path to hell, judgment the path to judgment, and mercy is the path to mercy, because we reap what we sow. This world is what it is because we have made it this way through our thoughts and attitudes. We have been violent, and we reap fear and more violence.

I am one tiny life in this universe, that’s all I am. My little spark may never shine brightly. My inner fire may never light another, but I am one life that loves life, and that has seen that hatred is death, and fear is hell. I am one tiny spark that may be killed because I refused to live in death, but I cannot accept hatred, violence and fear as life. They are death, and I will say so until I am killed.

I hope I have the capacity in my heart to withstand the hatred that comes my way as a result of these words, even from people close to me. And so, I train my mind, and I search my heart, and I work every day to think peace and live peace. I respect the people who have given their lives in service of what they believed was good. I feel a sort of solidarity with soldiers because I know what it takes to decide you are willing to die because of your values. I am not willing to kill because of my values, but I understand why people are, and I remember that we are the same. We have the same needs - safety, meaning, peace - we just have different strategies.

I fear torture more than anything in the world, and I worry that I will someday face it because I took this path. I don’t know if I could handle it. I don’t know if I would break and give in to evil in the face of evil. I can’t think about it without tears. But, then I think of Jesus, who faced torture for his message of love and mercy toward enemies, and I think of other heroes who have given their lives for the cause of peacefulness, and I feel comforted a little. I think of Amnesty International, and I am glad that there are people who work to free prisoners of conscience because I may one day be in prison because of my pacifist views.

I take some comfort in these things, but tonight, I am mostly sad. Tonight, I am facing the reality that my life and the lives of my family may all count for nothing in this struggle. Even if I stand against the hatred in my heart and overcome. Even if I die without hating my enemy, it might not help. Peacemakers may all die. We might really be wiped out by the brutality that people hold so dear. It might really be for nothing, and so, I am sad.

I still believe it’s worth it.