"WARNING CYBERSEX=INFIDELITY" ( A leeson in what arises from the heart) MESSENGER: Kuuipo Makalani

WARNING CYBERSEX=INFIDELITY" (A lesson in what arises from the heart) MESSENGER: Kuuipo Makalani

Febuary 24,2010

Internet temptations. Increasing numbers of cyberaffairs are breaking up stable marriages, says psychologist Kimberly Young, author of Tangled in the Web: Understanding Cybersex From Fantasy to Addiction. She cites the anonymity and convenience of the Internet, as well as the escape it provides from the stresses of everyday life.
Cybersex and so-called virtual affairs on the Internet are the all the buzz among professionals who study spouses who stray.

Affairs that take place in chat rooms on the Internet are classic examples of emotional infidelity.

Yes -- cybersex is a form of infidelity. Being unfaithful is just as much a state of mind -- or emotional state -- as it is physical. In fact, it's the emotional aspects of online relationships that are the most damaging to one's marriage or other "real-life" relationship. The emotions in an online affair are just as real as anywhere else. You start to reveal intimate details about yourself that you don't even share with your spouse. You come to have feelings for that person, at the cost of distancing yourself from your "real" relationships. Just because you call it "cyber" doesn't make it any less real. You have to judge it based on the effects it has on your life -- which are exactly the same as if you had an affair in real life.

Apparently the answer should be that yes, it's being unfaithful, regardless of whether folk generally consider it to be so. Apparently the idea is that it is a breaking of trust, and that breaking that trust is what's harmful, and that breaking that trust mentally is as harmful to a relationship as a physical action would be.

Psychologists call it the final frontier. It’s Cybersex, and it has become the easiest way to cheat on your spouse. “Thirty years ago it was much harder to get sex. You had to sneak around and really look for it. Cybersex brings it right into the house. It is just so easy now,” said Tina B. Tessina


That aspect fantasy might be why so many married people get lured into affairs online when that was not their original intent. “You could enter it innocently, not really looking for an affair. But it’s very seductive so even a little curiosity can get you hooked. While the fantasy aspect is alluring, it can also lead to misrepresentation even without intent,” said LeslieBeth Wish, 60, a psychologist and social worker based in Sarasota, Fla. who has been counseling couples in relationships for over 30 years.

The introduction of the Internet, she added, has changed the face of what had been the traditional affair. Namely, a sexual relationship between two people that happens in person with an element of physicality. The absence of that, she said, somehow allows for a big degree of denial about the relationship even being an affair in the first place.

“Online affairs represent safety, fantasy and that big escape tunnel. They don’t count because there is no one-to-one contact. Because they are viewed as a so-called emotional timeout. It’s like the guys who go online for pornography. The Internet has created a powerful outlet for an already existing problem. People think it’s safer. It’s very easy to fool yourself by fooling your spouse. ‘Honey, it’s not like I am meeting him. It’s only online. What is the big deal?” Wish said.

Boredom, curiosity and lack of communication with a spouse – all these have been blamed for online affairs blooming in the first place. While some argue how you get to investigating online sex options is important, others point to what happens once you get there as being what matters. It can create a real problem in your relationship at home







She believes affairs do not have to include sex. "In the new infidelity, affairs do not have to be sexual. Sometimes the greatest betrayals happen without touching. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.">

Christ said, I tell you that anyone who looks on a woman or man with lust has in (his her heart already committed adultery.")...



Cyber-Cheating: Is Cyber-Sex Infidelity

Many of the reasons why people in relationships seek out cybersex is for the same reasons that people cheat in the real world offline. Some do it because they're bored or dissatisfied with their relationships. Some do it for the excitement--for its forbidden nature or for the thrill of having a "secret". Some do it to hurt their partner--whether or not their partner even knows it's going on.

Cybersex is made even easier by the fact that internet sex is so readily available, a major factor in its preponderance. In the same way that bars, night clubs, strip clubs, and other such establishments make opportunities for infidelity so easy to obtain and so hard to resist, so does a computer and an internet connection in every home and office with limitless adult websites all accessible at the click of a button make cyber-cheating such an easy temptation to give in to and such a difficult one to resist.

It is because of this that many types of cyber-affairs have come about:

- people secretly communicating online with people they already know;
- people meeting others online;
- people patronizing the many online sex services available, such as webcam chatrooms and online porn.

To answer the question of what is cyber-cheating, then, it comes clear that we first have to define cybersex. And as we make that attempt, we soon see that what constitutes sex is more subjective than we may have thought. A lot of cybersex users say that if there isnt' any touching then it isn't cheating. The more realistic answer, however, is that sex and infidelity are defined by the two parties in the relationship. It doesn't matter what other people consider to be sex, what other people consider cheating; it matters what you and your lover believe--for it's your lovers feelings at stake, not anyone else's. Consent and concealment are at the core of the issue here; and at the core of matters of consent and concealment is a fundamental matter of trust.

Viewing online porn is a perfect example: some people would consider that cheating, while others would find it perfectly natural, and may even encourage their partner to do it as a "safe" way to satisfy certain needs and desires that may otherwise lead a person down the path of temptation to infidelity.

Another factor that makes cybersex such an easy temptation for unhappy partners in relationship is the relative anonymity of the internet. People can ease their way into affairs, starting out by simply, innocently chatting up people they meet online, deceiving themselves into believing that they're in control, that they're only having some innocent fun, because it's all anonymous and they can log off from their computer at any time. This sounds strikingly like the argument people use to rationalize certain other unacceptable behaviors as well, does it not?

Whatever one's take on the debate over cybersex as cheating, it remains that cyber-cheating is now an increasingly prevalent cause of divorce in America. To grasp the scope of the problem, all you really need to do is take a look at all the electronic surveillance software now being sold online, to help boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives, spy on their lovers and spouses, and perhaps catch them in an incriminating act by monitoring their emails and internet activity.

Of course, if you're currently in the position where you feel the need to resort to such tactics to catch a potentially cheating lover or spouse, then one thing is for sure--your relationship is already in big trouble, whether they're cheating or not.

Use of electronic surveillance software to spy on your spouse or lover is not only a dirty and deceitful way to suss out suspect behavior, but it is also of questionable legality. In the case of a divorce, this means that much of the evidence of cyber-cheating that you collect this way may be inadmissible in court. Here a legitimate private eye and/or a lawyer can help you much better (albeit not as inexpensively).

The best way to deal with suspicions of infidelity--online or off--is to ask the other person about it. If you don't have communication in your relationship--the ability to approach each other and openly, honestly, and safely broach concerns and issues like these--then you don't have much of a foundation for a relationship to begin with. At least by asking the person, you give them a chance to come clean and be straight with you. If you want to save your relationship, that's the best place to come from. Then you won't be seeking out an attorney and a judge's ruling; you'll be seeking out couples therapy and a romantic getaway for two instead--a much better option.

The hardest situation regarding cybersex, perhaps, is when the act is out in the open, but one party thinks it's a problem while the other does not. If two people in a relationship don't agree on what constitutes cheating, they open themselves up for serious problems down the line. If you're in a relationship and you haven't already done so, a conversation on what type of internet activities are acceptable and which aren't may be in order. Otherwise, what amounts to an innocent and harmless way to pass the time to one person may come as a crushing betrayal to the other.

Tips for a better union

Stay honest with your partner: "Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs," says Peggy Vaughan, who has studied affairs for more than two decades. Her Web site is dearpeggy.com. "Make a commitment to sharing your attractions and temptations." That helps to avoid acting on them. Dishonesty and deception cause affairs to flourish, Vaughan says.
Monitor your marriage: "Realize if there is something missing," says psychologist Kimberly Young of St. Bonaventure University in southwest New York state. "Be willing to try to fix it." Assess if each partner's needs are met.
Stay alert for temptations: "Be very careful of getting involved in the first place," Young says. "Know the dangers. You can be drawn to an affair as to a drug. And once you are past a certain point of emotional connection, it is very hard to go into reverse."
Don't flirt: "That is how affairs start," says Bonnie Eaker Weil, whose Web site www.makeupdontbreakup.com features tips for preventing infidelity. "Flirting is not part of an innocent friendship. If you think there might be a problem with someone you flirt with, there probably is a problem.
Recognize that work can be a danger zone: "Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time," says psychologist Shirley Glass.
Beware of the lure of the Internet: "Emotional affairs develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office," Young says. "There is safety behind the computer screen."
Keep old flames from reigniting: "If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with one," Glass says. Invite your partner along.
Value the intimacy of your marriage: "Reveal as much of yourself to one another as possible," says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman. "You will find it less necessary to form an intimate friendship with someone else."
Make sure your social network supports marriage: "Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around," Glass says.

Our Lord and Saviour warns us that all things arise from the heart( our inner person) All action and manifestations have their root in the inner being.....If You have done it in Spirit and mind , you have done it even more than in body.........

Prayer: Dear Heavenly Father help us who have been tempted in our hearts, to repent and turn away from our Infidelities........In the name of Jesus Christ Our Lord and Saviour, Amen

PEACE BE WITH YOU ALL
IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST
OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR,
KUUIPO